Relationship Checklist
This list of questions is a starting point to help you determine what you want and need in your close relationships. Think about your answers and, if you want to, share with your partners, potential partners, or people close to you. You can always return to this, change your mind, and discuss more! Strong relationships are built on communication and trust.
Priorities
- What qualities and values are most important to you in a partner?
- What do you consider the most important ingredient in a relationship?
- What might be deal breakers for you?
- Are you looking for casual partners? Dating? A life partnership?
- How long might you want a relationship to last?
Dating
- Do you plan on spending every weekend and evening with your partner?
- Who decides what to do and where to go on a date?
- What about expenses? Should one person always pay?
- How much do you want you or your date to use alcohol or drugs?
- Is there any situation in which it would be okay for your date to push you around? (hint: no)
- How long might you wait before becoming exclusive, if ever?
- What will you do in the case of a breakup? What about mutual friends, pets, leases, or joint purchases?
- How will you negotiate religious and cultural differences? Do you expect your partner(s) to celebrate your holidays and traditions?
Public & private
- How will you negotiate each other’s outness in different situations?
- Do you expect the relationship to be public knowledge? At what point?
- What is your comfort and preference around public displays of affection?
- What boundaries do you have in different spaces, like school, work, or around family?
Communication
- How will you communicate about conflicts or your needs from each other?
- How will you communicate about your other relationships?
- How do you act when you’re upset? What do you need from a partner in that situation?
- How will you take a break in the middle of conflict to calm down/re-center?
- What ways of communicating (email, text, phone, video chat, letter-writing) work well for you?
- Communication boundaries- how much is too much? How will you let each other know?
Sexuality
- What types of sex, if any, do you want to engage in? How long might you wait for each? What about location and frequency?
- If you agree to have sex, how will you negotiate safe(r) sex practices?
- Do you expect knowledge of your partners’ sexual history?
- What are your expectations around STI testing, sharing results, and sharing statuses?
- How might you check in with each other before, during, and after sex to gauge comfort and wellness?
Other relationships
- What counts as friendship and what counts as relationships?
- Is it all right for you or your partner to have other intimate relationships or other friendships? If so, how will you deal with jealousy?
- Do you include each other in these relationships or can they be separate?
- What will you and your partner share about your previous partners? Will they still be in your lives?
- What are your responsibilities around your family relationships? Will you prioritize them over your personal relationships?
Other questions you have for each other:
Notes and additional thoughts:
Updated 3/2019. Some material adapted from “Relationship Contract.” Gender and Sexuality Center at the University of Texas at Austin. www.utgsc.com